Along the path...

Today's the day. Prayers for a successful outcome are continually welcome and appreciated. 

The last month has been the strangest experience. Knowing I have a health issue and will be going under "the knife" to resolve it has been humbling. I feel extremely emotional and vulnerable. It's not been something I could simply power through to be all right. Grit your teeth; keep going to the next ridge. It's not been something I could change direction on or even quit. There have been times I have wished I could ignore it and continue on with life as I knew it before Einstein appeared. Have everything go back to how it was before. That's not possible. I don't know how fast Einstein is growing or if it is a mild or a terrible monster. I am unsure how long Einstein would allow life to continue with it unchecked. Even if there was an option to just let it be, Einstein has changed my world as I know it. It's opened my heart, my mind, my compassion to a better understanding of life and more.

Thank you does not begin to come close enough with all of the kindness, encouragement, love, gestures, gifts, notes, etc. You really know how to spoil a gal!

Denial. Can I ignore "this" and pretend it doesn't exist?

The other day, I woke up feeling peaceful with the strains of a children's song running through my head. With this song in my heart. It's going to be okay. Whatever happens, it's all going to be okay.

It takes a village. For real. Thank you for everyone who has reached so far out to check on me and my family. I am indebted to you for your kindness. I appreciate your messages of faith and hope, as well as your stories about successes you have experienced or heard about. Thank you too for your faith and prayers. I am glad to belong to your village. 

Independent, strong, capable, able-bodied, these are adjectives that I identify with. I am proud of them. I call me Atlas.  While chatting with a cousin recently, I was advised to allow others to help me carry this new-world weight for a bit. I was given permission to accept and ask for help. After all, we all need the opportunity to serve, which requires someone to serve.  That mindshift and new thought pattern is weighty. Burden-sharing is a bit daunting. Please pardon me as I try to shrug. Change is challenging.

Next week will bring more answers. Nearly there. Surgery in a week.

Sometimes the "what ifs" nearly swallow me whole. Keeping those monsters at bay, both good and bad, is difficult.  What if the surgery is successful? What if it isn't? What if everything is benign and the doctor only needs to do the bare minimum? What if she has to "clean house?" What if we still didn't know about it? What if it never existed? What if the worst happens? What if the best does?  I am learning to allow these thoughts to creep in, let them stay a little while, and try to escort them out quickly. I am learning to be present in the present. Worry and anxiety are unhelpful. Borrowing problems is not productive. I am not always successful, but feel like I am getting better at managing my monsters. Bit by bit. Hopefully.

 

some words have musicality that reaches your heart and mind and soul. Some have the power to stay.   Years ago in college, I stumbled across a poem in an anthology. I don't remember the author or anthology or details around the poem. I am unsure of the author's actual subject or intent.  For me, this poem is a prayer. An anthem. I don't even remember the exact title or versing. But, it's something I have repeated periodically over time. It reminds me of my Savior, Jesus Christ, and how I can reach out to Him for peace, comfort, and support amidst whatever is going on. To whomever wrote it, I thank you. Hold Me Hold Me. In this dark hour, I am afraid of life. I am afraid of Everything  But you.

 

Most of the time I am at peace with my situation. I feel like God had a hand in alerting me to Einstein and that even knowing about its existence is a miracle.  Knowing He has a hand in what's going on, gives me a sense of peace. Like the calm in a storm. I am in His hands. I'll seek help and medical intervention and do whatever I can with the resources available. These resources are available for a reason after all.  And, I'll pray to be healed, for those around me to be strengthened and supported, for the medical team helping me to be wise and skilled. He says to ask and receive, to knock and it will be opened. He can make up any differences and bring about all successes. He is a God of miracles.

So the doctor is optimistic. I too am optimistic. I hold space for positive outcomes and better days ahead. All these things shall give you experience. These are the opportunities of life. Even now, in this short time, I have learned so much more than I ever knew before.  I almost wish I didn't know about Einstein. I think my tolerance for the unknown was higher or that knowing it is there has made me notice it. Ignorance is bliss? 2 weeks...  

So, I have a large mass in my abdomen on the left side. My brother-in-law named it Einstein.  It's coming out at the end if the month. Dr. Hunn is awesome. Einstein is not.

Today is this spunky, smart, vivacious, amazing girl's 15th birthday! How did you get so big and grow up so much so quickly? I feel like I blinked and you are nearly grown. I still remember my little peanut and holding you, fresh from heaven, in the hospital. Love you so much and hope you have had the best birthday so far!!!!

Today is a new day and a new doctor. I am anxious and nervous and worried and concerned--all wrapped up in one.  Hopefully, we will have more answers than questions soon. Hopefully, we will have a game plan.

Nervous. Nervous. Nervous.

 Loving this scripture today:

They won! After 9 consecutive losses in 12 years, my Cougars have finally won again!!! So happy. For some reason, it makes me think of the Theodore Roosevelt quote:  It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. They have worked hard. Struggled. Suffered defeat. And now, once again, know ...

Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.  George Santayana ----- I am reposting images created by other people, sharing their talents and their sentiments. I am not sure who originated them or who to credit for them. 

He was a dream. Literally. Best. Dog. Ever. And it all started with a dream. My nieces love a true, real-life bedtime story. This is one of their favorites. I'm not sure how many times they have asked for it. Years ago I dreamt of a yellow lab frolicking in the front yard of my parents' former home. The feeling of the dream was utter happiness and joy. Watching the dog chase and play, throwing the ball over and over and over. Her name was Cambridge, Cami for short. I don't remember all of the particulars of the dream. The feeling has stayed with me years and years later. After I moved into my home, I decided I needed a canine companion and wanted to rescue a dog. I visited an animal shelter, but wasn't sure what type of dog I wanted or how to select one.  I came up with a plan. The first dog that sat when I told it to sit would be my dog. Then I entered the area in the shelter where the dogs lived. It was a cacophony of noise and movement. And smells.  There were numero...

Today is a special anniversary. So grateful to have my dad in my life still. He is a hard-working pillar of strength. Glad for modern medicine and second chances. I cannot imagine my life without him.

Sometimes I have the most vivid, crazy dreams. Lately, I have been dreaming about rattlesnakes. Not sure what that means.  But, rattlesnakes, really?

Sonnet 29 By William Shakespeare When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself and curse my fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featured like him, like him with friends possessed, Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope, With what I most enjoy contented least; Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising, Haply I think on thee, and then my state, (Like to the lark at break of day arising From sullen earth) sings hymns at heaven’s gate;        For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings        That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Another day, another blood draw.

Yesterday was also Latinfest. One of my favorite performances of the year.  So grateful for my belly sisters and for the opportunity to move and celebrate life. I always regret that I wasn't more diligent in Spanish at the festival. I don't understand much of what is said. The people there are warm and open. The food is delicious. And the audience is appreciative. Thank you for those who were cheering for an encore too!  Also, my apologies to the lady I startled as we were walking around the booths later. My mask and sheathed sword probably were a little unexpected. 

My 13-year old nephew started playing football this season. I had the privilege of watching him play yesterday morning.  They didn't do too shabby (34-0). I think they have only lost one game this season. Part of the motivation for playing so hard and working together could be to avoid all the up-downs a game loss brings for the next practice. They did great! It was super fun to watch. He had a good time. It makes me wonder if there are up-downs that are motivating me in my life. Things I do to avoid a negative consequence or things I do inspite of knowing that it brings negative consequences. Like the delicious eclair I ate yesterday.... :)

Spent the evening with the high school kids hooting and hollering like the play was interactive. Fun, fresh take on a wonderful Jane Austin novel.  My favorite character was Mr John Dashwood. What?!? No, I am not biased. Gosh, this dashing red-headed kid is talented and smart and handsome and a great human!

August was pretty much a bust. I spent most of the first part of the month quarantining due to possible Covid exposure and the last part with Covid.  I love to dance and belong to a wonderful dance company ( desertgypsydanceco.com ). We typically perform several times a year. I missed nearly all of August's practices and a performance, focusing on rest and recuperation--and not giving the crud to anyone else.  Last night was the first time I had been to practice in a month. My muscles screamed and zinged and laughed from the workout. I coughed a little but wore a mask to not expose anyone to possibly anything I could have. I've been fever-free for over a week now. Yay! Movement was joy. It was laughter and rain and sunshine all in one. And, for the most part, I remembered the choreo. I came home recharged and invigorated. Our bodies are made to move. Break me off a piece of those good hormones any day! Oh--and Saturday is our second to last performance of the season. We'll ...

So today was testing day and a consult. Ultrasound was an interesting experience. The doctor is referring me to a specialist. More tests and more consults coming. The referred doctor is on vacation and won't be available for a couple of weeks. Waiting. Waiting. More waiting.

The more I talk with people, the more I find that we are all facing our own challenges and fighting our own battles.  Life can be hard. A friend recently asked when life gets easier. I don't have an answer to that. But, maybe we can all help ease the burdens we each carry. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the thought of how to help someone or how to impact someone's life for good. It can be paralyzing; I feel like I am simply only one person. What can I contribute? How can I contribute? I forget that helping someone doesn't need to be a grand gesture like a million-dollar endowment for the arts. Helping a fellow human can be a small drop. And, if everyone shared a drop with someone else, our drops could combine into a river of hope, support, and kindness.  Think about the impact that small and simple kindnesses could have when repeated over time by multiple people. Maybe it's a smile or a text that says you've got this. Maybe it's a listening ear or a warm cook...